Better is the End

     Last night, for the first time in months, the words of scripture jumped off of the page and penetrated my heart. I have spent almost six months begging God for a hunger for His word. I have been feeling so spiritually 'blah' and reading the Bible has felt more like a chore than a privilege. Last night I ended my devotional time with lots of praise for the answer to my many prayers. I hope that serves as a little encouragement to you to persist in your prayers - He IS listening, and He WILL answer, though He may require your patience in the meantime. I love the way the Contemporary English Version translates Romans 12:12 "Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying." Now, I know I'm still in the valley, but periodically the light breaks through the clouds and that's enough to sustain me until the light breaks through again. As I said in yesterday's post, my faith is truly a gift from Christ himself. He alone sustains me. There is also a promise for those who do pray in 1 Peter 3:12, "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer..."
     Now, on to what the Lord has been teaching me personally. I took a little break from my normal daily Bible reading plan (I am using the OWN it 365 plan this year - but I started in October) in order to read Ecclesiastes. I know the book tends to revolve around the idea that there is a season for everything (Ecc. 3:1), and I know the Lord wants me to release our time overseas as a 'season' rather than continuing to view it as a life. So I felt that this book in particular may speak to my current situation and my feelings about that situation.
     As I read through the first half of Ecclesiastes, it was a bit depressing. It certainly isn't a book that makes you jump up and down in excitement, lol. That being said, it was exactly how I have felt for the last six months. As I sat my Bible down that first night, I spoke with God. I told Him that the book, so far, only confirmed my feelings...but I didn't care about having my feelings confirmed, I wanted them changed! I didn't want to continue to feel so ho-hum about my walk with Him or about ministry in the States.
     In the hope of Solomon coming to a point of resolve, I pressed on and read the second half of Ecclesiastes last night. Ecc. 7:8 "The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride." So there I was, struck down in my pride. How often to we think that our ways are better than His? I have certainly been thinking that my plan to be a lifelong missionary was better than His plan to bring us home. I am ashamed of myself, for although my feet have walked in obedience by returning to America, my heart has been far from obedient. Now I am learning to trust that the end of our time in Southeast Asia is, truly, better than its beginning.
     Ecclesiastes 7:10 continues, "Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions". How often do we all fall into this trap? It is so easy for us to romanticize the past, even our own past. I have found myself asking that very question innumerable times throughout my life. Don't we all consider how easy life was back when we had no bills to pay and our only worry was a math test at the end of the week? Or maybe we think about how very close we were to God before we had dirty diapers to change, sibling rivalries to referee, and a minivan that serves as a constant chauffeur service...I know I have! But we are simply deceiving ourselves into a lowly view of our current self and circumstances. This does not please our Lord, who freed us from all of this. We often hear about how we should not compare ourselves to others, and yes, it is true. But do we ever hear that we need to stop comparing ourselves to...ourselves? This also is true. The only one we should compare ourselves to is Christ, and well, we ALL fall short (Romans 3:23) - our former selves fall short and our current selves fall short - so we must stop comparing one to the other. We must realize that the Lord is using our current circumstances to continue to shape our current selves into a 'holy priesthood' (1 Peter 2:4-5). We must also realize that our past circumstances would not allow for the same shaping that is currently happening. Remember the one who is in control, He can use ALL things for good. Ecclesiastes 7:14 "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other." & Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
     Dear friends, take heart when walking through the valleys - GOOD IS COMING!

Having Faith in the Dark

     I want to spend a little time opening up my world to you, my readers. My 'about me' page does little to inform you of who I really am, and to be perfectly honest, this may be the first time in my adult life that I haven't allowed my life to be an open book to all those willing to glance at the pages. You see, I'm in a bit of a hypothetical valley at the moment.
     I'm married to a youth pastor, which limits how honest I can be about the church and ministry. My family has moved in with my grandfather-in-law because my husband is only employed part-time at the moment, which limits how honest I can be about our home life and family. Also, my grandfather-in-law attends the same church that my husband works at, which again perpetuates the sense that I must remain a guarded person.
     My husband and I spent two years in Southeast Asia. He taught Bible and Theology classes and I taught English part-time. I have believed, since the time I was 14, that the Lord was calling me to be a missionary, to live and raise a family overseas. After we completed our two year contract at a school overseas, we returned home to Ohio. It was very hard for me to leave, but I knew, without any doubt, that it was what the Lord wanted. So, I obeyed, we obeyed. It was much easier for my husband to return to the States, I'm not sure he really ever felt 'at home' overseas. Now, my husband has his dream job...he is working in the church where he grew up. It has been such a blessing in so many ways! I can see my husband working hard, growing the youth group, getting excited and re-energized in ways I haven't seen before.
     While I am so pleased to see my husband flourishing, I'm having a hard time trying to figure out where I fit. I saw this on facebook today and it seems to fit so perfectly with where I am at presently.

Photo Credit

      I am currently unsure of what God wants me to do. I am uncertain of what steps are next for me. For the last 14 or so years, I had been working toward getting overseas; Now I realize that 'overseas' may have only been for a season. Did God call me overseas? YES...but is He calling me overseas now? No. So here I am, presently in the dark, out of the loop, and unsure of what the next goal should be. I want it to be 100% God's plan. I have faith, faith given to me by Christ (Ephesians 2:8), and that faith will get me to the other side of this valley - back to the mountain top, where I can look out over all the valleys I've crossed and I will be able to see the answers to all my 'Why, God?' questions. To the peaks that will reveal what God's plan was and is. To the place where I can look towards Heaven, and with a smile, say 'Thanks for those dark days, now I see what you were doing'. It is in the dark that we must choose to walk by faith and not sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). What darkness are you walking through today? How can I pray for you and lift you all up the way I hope you will for me?